some dumb ass

feel so fucking stupid
shouldnt have asked that question
end up hurting myself.
feel so fucking dumb
shouldnt be begging you like some idiot
the pain pierced right through,
its killing me and you dont even bother to call me
so what if its a misunderstanding
all i needed was reassurance
what do you want from me right now
i cant even get what i really need
are those sweet nothing lipservice?
coz apparently you dont deserve them
you are regarding the normal things that people do as sacrifices
then does this show that i dun deserve anything more than that
my head is spinning with thoughts
thoughts on how to hurt myself physically to numb the injury there deep inside
now i know how people turn suicidal and start carving patterns on their hands
dont worry im not so stupid...

progression

when it all started out as friends,
everything was fresh and brand new
lying on your shoulder was like your first candy bought with you own money
then you want to earn more to get more candies
so the interest progressed to liking
you want to really get involved with him right now
you give it your best shot
finally you got it
the love that you wanted all along
you indulged yourself in the love and happiness everyday
but they say too much candies causes diabetes
you start feeling the symptoms
things aint so sweet right now
you start to taste the bitter core of the candy
but thinking a sweeter part is after this bitter part,
you hang on.
yes you were right, behind the bitter
you get your sweet
then this went on, on, and on
more bitterness
yet when the sweet comes, its sweet and it keeps you hanging on
you keep licking this candy.
you keep chewing the gum
you kept hanging onto the rock on the rockwall
your hands started growing tired coz the bitter parts are manifesting
you feel all the goosebumps from the thought of the bitter parts.
you wish you could stop eating the candy
you told yourself to take a break
you know you cant
and you wouldn't
you hang on
thats when tears start to flow...
i guess love is like that, a book with its beautiful cover
lots of parts to it
the climax, the sweet-nothings
then the tiffs, big fights, crazy emotions
more love
more quarrel
and at the back of this lovely book, it is a paper, filled with tears and more tears...

i will continue the path of your life with you.
i guess that cry really made me more alive
and aware of my senses.
i need to grow up and out of this little girl
but give me the chance to come back into your arms
and be a little girl
thats the only time that i feel alive...
i still love you hamburger,
we'll conquer this once again

leave me to myself

leave me to it,
leave me alone. i will be able to survive through this
well, i did survive through it
its now all over
i hope
i guess.
oh yes it is.
i just have to answer to my own consequences
even if they feel disappointed at me
even if they think i've changed
it was very wrong from the beginning i know
but i still agreed
so im the culprit
so what if you are the mastermind.
im the one being prosecuted now
i shall face the blinding light at the table
sit on the electric chair.
and face prosecution.
wait it aint that bad i guess...
coz now its all settled
i faced the music and now i feel disappointed at myself too.
the crime scene replayed over and over again
it was very wrong.
i didnt know why i agreed too
a moment of impulse?
sounds so superficial and such an excuse
but it was oh so true.
a moment of being irrational,
so now the consequences come rolling in.
just leave me to the corner of the room. right now
be emotional or just blasting music here and there
or just getting overwhelmed by words once again
or trying to do some chem paper and get wrong here and there
damnit. seems like i forgot all the things that i've learnt
so after all i wouldnt be able to get all my c and d during ct2s

you asked me why cant we share just a few moments of peace together
why the happiness wouldnt last
youre right.
i wonder about these questions too
i guess we wouldnt be able to find the answers
this should be like the life of star crossed lovers maybe?
oh how this reminds me of shakespeare hah!
its funny, lets just laugh
maybe this is the underlying happiness

wish you were here right now, so that i could bawl my eyes off in your arms
melt when you reassure me that youre by my side.
your presence would be of much use right now.
but its all alright.
im ok. being all alone.
im really alright

our shared little secret

its red hot
but not the redhotchillipeppers
its my skin
the sun at sentosa today was IMBA!
when it shines on your skin you can feel the intense pain pricking your pores
feels good for a while
then you'll hurry jump in for a dip or two
its crazy
then came the rain, with the sun
we just stayed laying there, refuse to move
then the sun came out again:D

today is a happy happy day, the little games we played in the sea
and all the jokes we laughed like mad.
amazing:D
(side note: happy! "always be my baby-david cook is on class 95 now!)
it was all so sweet coz we were reminiscing all our amazing times there together.
oh boy life is really different with you around

well the sotong and jellyfish made many mistakes today too(as usual)
went to thomson medical centre, wanted to see DYLON
but coz of the h1n1 thang and the oh so honest sotong, sotong and jellyfish were not granted permission to see cute cute DYLON
(happily, sotong is now DYLON's godma)
then jellyfish wanted to be blur too
needed to get polish kit
went all the way to tampines and realised kit is at bedok
went all the way back
then finally home
and didnt manage to wash bike
coz sotong and jellyfish evolved to pigs and slept the whole night

boy, the word happy isnt enough to describe my feelings now
it has been such a longlonglonglong time since we had so much fun
back at the place we love
it was more than the way you carried me in the sea(or when i carried you)
more than the sweet sweet 'i love you'
the oh so comfortable shoulder of yours
your kisses and smooches
and so much more
life changed to be so much more beautiful with you by my side
831 4 5683 968

ps: to the lady who served me today, im no mdm, im only 17
and im not pregnant or anything, that was for my cute cute godson DYLON

that alone is enough

it was more than just a hug
more than you sleeping next to me
the comfort so unexplainable
though it was 30 mins or so, it felt like all the lost time we wasted
like we met up in lalaland and had the best afternoon nap together
sweetie, all i need is like the nap we had just now.
lovely.
your shoulders are the no. 1 pillow in the entire world:D
yeah happy!

oh yes jasmine teo shall finish mugging for ct2s today!!
left with evolution and isolating 2
yeah i can do it yo
and my reward shall be a day out in the sun tml
fun fun!
:D
hurray!



that instant, i felt the pain deep inside as if i did it unto myself.

hurt me

where are you now?

the man who used to take upon the world with his bare hands

my mr protector who showed his suave yesterday

my bibi who was there to hug me to sleep?

loving you hurts. you said you love me but you hurt me, by loving you, i hurt myself
loving you hurts because i know not wad is loving myself anymore
when you love me you hurt me, but because of that love i have to get hurt.

dealing with your complicated life is one thing
but dealing with your temper is another
it is the latter that makes me tired.

those callous words that i uttered, i am totally aware of the pain that it delivers
but i am sure it is not as hurting as the pain i feel each time i have to force myself not to be unreasonable.
i dont even have the chance to be a girl anymore
i have no rights to demand for more
i have no rights to expect anything from you
everything i do, its backed by your reasons your so caled explanations
im not saying they are excuses.
but accepting it makes me feel like i have no call on my own, like i mean to accept it
by crook or by hook

before you even utter those words, could you offer a little more understanding
where goes your apologetic tone like last night
from the words that you hurt me time and time again
its gone, like as if yesterday was too good to be true, like putting up a show

it is of human nature that we act to protect ourselves.
first i be petty, you sought for understanding
next i was neutral, you became tired of these endless quarrels
then i was sacarstic, you said i've changed
who is the one falling short of expectations now
who is the one that keep wanting the other party to give more now
who is the one who seems to be too tired to care about these now
fine if you say im picking on the nitty gritty stuff to quarrel,
fine if you say im petty all along
fine if you sau you dont even bother.
see my point, im immune to everything that is happening right now.
not even tears.
you want space i give it to you.
you seem to have forgotten that i hate being left alone
i seemed to be under the control of your hands now
like a dog i feel
shameless, no dignity at all.
space, i give
understanding, i offer
you said it, i have it and i give.
asking nothing in return
then you said i've changed.
just because you couldnt accept that im setting up defenses to protect myself.
i cant protect myself.
so i need to get hurt.
is that it?
love is getting hurt?
the real meaning of love?
i know not anymore..

the answer

you're like a gust of wind coming in and out of my thoughts and days without any notice
you come and made me happy
and you went, leaving me all empty again
like day and night, youre like the sun
you rise and make me excited
then you set, leaving a whole sky of darkness.
like a gust of wind you came, i couldnt get hold of you
you'll be gone like you always do.
without any notice you'll come into my arms
yet with just a simple goodbye kiss you flew away
like we aint supposed to meet
like we aint supposed to kiss
its a wrongdoing from your reactions.
i seem to be like some form of activity to be slotted into your busy schedule
i seem to be your burden, making you even more tired
yes youre right, you dont know how to deal with the ups and downs of my emotions
i dont either
coz right now, i cant expect, i could only tolerate, understand and comprehend
like you said, those arent excuses they are reasons.
you know something?
everytime i wanna ask for something, there is always a but
you know theres an urge in you to just say yes to me but the word came first
BUT..
BUT..
our love story became a practical real life kinda stuff instead of the fairytale that it used to be
meeting you in the past was adventurous like against all odds.
a surprise would come from the top, plop youre next to me
its fun you know that
its analogous to the way we met, plop you were there at the party, became friends then lovers
now, im in real life
you constantly remind me of that.
times i really needed you or just wanted to meet you out of randomness,
i needed to think of the words after your but's
there is always a but, followed by a sorry
then comes this thing, as always
ok jasmine teo you need to understand
alright matter's settled, i understand
i have to.
what to do, i am with DA MANG REN
the hours are now of quality, because da mang ren is unable to give quantity
i said to myself, its more than enough. just you and me, and the stars, im satisfied
ok problem's solved
then came the thing called fatigue and sleep
one thing that i have been deprived of recently...
no more long phone calls,
no more long good night messages.
no more morning messages at 12 noon
but darn early ones at 6 am
no more slacking till way past curfew time
cinderella's clock strikes at 10 now.
what can she do?
fight back? she's a maid now, no longer a princess
the only way out, weep home.
or maybe tears would have dried up,
next up, sleep deprived nights.
it aint your fault you see, probably is me, so difficult for me to be contended.
well im not the kind who just need to see the other party and be happy for the entire day
i have way too much pessimistic thoughts to be overcome.
not just a look,
you see, i always want more.
my fault?
yup so i understand again
now the problem is this
am i tolerating or understanding?
here's the answer to the million dollar question.
im tolerating because im way past understanding already
i need you to understand to
and reason why im not turning these to you,
because when i need your understanding
it would be in a long long conversation then end up having me to understand understand understand...
i love you still you know,
just that im a girl too
a 17 yr old.
not 20..


worst night ever:
1am-240am: tossing and turning
240am to 4am: forcing myself to sleep
440am: wakes up. DAMN
5am:sends message
505am: check for replies
517am:check replies
531am:again
6am or so: go to sofa and sleep
7 am: came back room, sleep on bed
9am: wake up and collapsed back
940am: wake up
then goes down to bugis under the hot sun
come back home.
12-230pm: preparing for picnic
230-3pm:attempt to study
3pm-10pm: FATHERS DAY PICNIC
now, blogging
next, study

avenue of thoughts

i miss you benzene, i miss crowned, those carefree days we enjoyed together, my close buddies who walked me throughout my life. my ah ma, hong and manda

thank you for all of the beautiful memories

and i miss you

coz recently i've been thinking bout this question

if i were to turn back time, what would i do

which moment will i relive

now i found the answer, every single moment, cause i missed those moments back then, carefree

all that freedom brings

those laughter, the tears we shed together..

amazing how fast time past and we're old now.

trying to be mature and grow into someone that is just shuffling through the crowd because we're all busy busy people.

trying to squeeze time just to meet up and we realise we cant exactly find back the fun we had,

just missed it, but unable to relive it...


after going out with pooh princess and tigger today, i felt like we're sec3 students again...

all 3 of us know well that deep inside we've all changed, matured and grew.

yet still clinging onto what we used to joke about, trying to feel young

its undeniable, we're old now...

i miss you pooh and tigger, now im eeyore no more. shed those donkey fur and being a real

woman, we took off our baby clothes and got ourselves into those business suits

ah ma i love the hot chocolate paradise we had today YUMMY

and tigger, dun worry bout the past, its forgotten and youre already forgiven. we cant turn back time and undo the mistakes, people do make mistakes coz we aint perfect.



and za bor, oh man we really did binge on tidbits like crazy again. it was BIG BAG k and we had 1 litre of apple juice. omg so full!! heheh had such a fun time chatting bout our present lives and reminiscing how we used to run around like crazy women :D



the years mould us and changed us. we're different now. the past times we shared could only be the past... our memories, things to think of when we're so stressed up with life.



im feeling nostalgic coz just had a night out at the beach, looking at those stars just brought back fond memories of my life when i was still fooling my days away... the night at the beach was amazing boy, especially with you by my side. it has been quite some time too since we spent time like this. just a few hours but i enjoyed it thoroughly. the excitement that i felt when i was meeting you, it was as if we just met. my heart pounding fast looking out for you, and there i saw, with no doubts or whatsoever, you like an angel all in white. amazing.. so excited to meet you as if we didnt meet for years. the sunset was beautiful coz i saw it through your eyes. the way the eyes reflected the glow of the setting sun... more beautifully was the love that i saw radiating from your eyes... it was enough. more than enough... i guess we know this very well... the love between us, is renewed once again

hamburger

she thought that it was tough, hard to get by, something new like a hurdle that she's unable to cross
it wasnt enough she told herself. you need quantity, with quantity comes quality
she said she needed more, she wanted the feelings from the past
those honeymoon times are what she deserved
not all these
at this age
she was numbing herself
being quite unsatisfied, yet sort of forcing herself to understand

hell, she was wrong.

quantity aint quality.
quality can come without quantity
just like today.
nothing beats his company, his presence
the big hand holding the small hand
the warm hug and the goofy smile
those rubbish jokes, little gestures only we both know.
its already more than enough
these aint sacrifices, but acts of love
that is how you show your love, being with him through these difficult times
hamburger, i'll be strong just for you
say goodbye to those uncontrollable tears and waves of sadness...
and hello to strength and motivation, to goofy smiles and more love
we'll pull through
we did it many times
this one, once more
nothing is as complex as love.
yet nothing is as simple as love.
we'll conquer.
hamburger and hamburger
we will get through...

numb

one could just numb oneself by faking a smile,
getting a brain freeze
getting a hot bath
think about alcohol
speed down the streets
run
study
think about food
think about nothing
lie on the bed
think about death
be pessimistic
stare into the blank space
trying to convince oneself that it aint that bad
attempt to watch tv
tell someone its ok
talk to the toy
look at the window
think that youre ok somemore
stop thinking
when you feel like youre really tired yet when you plop unto the bed and youre unable to sleep
that is when you are really numb...

take joy in just reading a book
smile at it as if theres really a joke in the book
plug into some hardrock music and shake your head in the middle of orchard road
scream out of your window just to say hello to your neighbour
try to walk the dog when youre naked
pick up the phone and call all of your friends just to say hello
go to the mall buy a sweet and give it to a little girl
others may say that youre weird,mad
crazy and out of your mind
send you to asylum or something
but in true fact youre being normal in a weird world
whereby everyone else is way to busy to appreciate the simplicity of life
how good will life be if theres no judging of the way you speak, dress or even the way you tie your hair
be simple. enjoy life

i just realise i could go on all day like this pretending like its nothing at all, i was supposed to be venting out all my angst and what not here and yet now as i go on typing, i dont know what to vent out anymore. you apologised, i forgived you. it should be a happy ending now. yet i still cant get to sleep. i feel numb. i numbed myself thinking now that i got ample private time i should be able to vent it all out... i numbed myself too much. now i cant get to sleep i cant get my mind right. im just feeling disoriented, empty and hurt. its not so much of the words he said. though it pierced right through, and brought back the fear in a brand new face, there was something more prominent than this. its back. time and fatigue. it has been quite sometime since we spent quantity time with each other though we emphasized quality but it just aint the perfect substitute. am i asking too much just for some quantity time, of some quality? i just need a day of pure happiness get me onto the platform of springing forth with much more energy and being able last for a month or so. or am i too much of asking him not to get so tired. i want to feel like a princess for once. feel that im the centre of his earth for just a few hours, nothing else more important. just me and him and nothing. nothing to worry, nothing to do next. what we do is rot rot rot and life would be good. now it seems like its way too much. all of us were too naive for forgo all these underlying issues, things that were the problems all along yet we choose to hide to kick it to the back of our mind or attempt to numb ourselves. im not tired or getting bored of all these its just that times like this made everything flow back.

i feel more alive now. less numb, less hurt.

we all know very well that we cant turn back time or try to relive the moments and make present a replica of the past. unable to do the same things we did again and expect the same kind of feelings, yet we long to live those happy days once more. made known to oneself that memories are still part of reality and not fantasies. we can get so anxious in wanting to find back the original mood that we forgo the new emotions and atmosphere added onto it at the present time. and while we're so crazily finding the chance to relive these moments we tend to forget we're still in the present, forget those distractions and responsibilities or what not. it just aint that simple to relive history. it just aint simple to get what you want.

i dont blame you, im just taking this private time alone to forget the pain. i have forgiven you. it aint your fault. people makes mistakes, people have temper. when it goes out of hand, hurtful words would be uttered. it aint all your fault. there were many conrtibuting factors. and given so, blame nothing no one for no one carries the full responsibilty. it aint the situation of you hitting the floor when you fall, just like what your parents or granny would make you do just to feel better. you do not take revenge on the object or thing that caused your downfall. you just let it be, let your wound heal and stop yourself from doing it again. true enough those words hurt me like never before. it was short simple yet deep. the meaning came right through. the word REGRET just come into my ears and attempted to burst the ear drums. it was like a spear, no resistance no nothing. right through the heart.... it was callous, selfish and full of angst. but i dont blame you for when you said i love you. it came like a wave, a soothing cream and protected the wound, an immediate cooling effect, making me feel better. then the word regret came again. regrets for saying those words and it attempted to ease the pain. im much better now.

i feel even better than before. the power of words...

we both grew and learnt in this journey together. the start was an unforgettable night with so much happenings leading off to a string of events and finally bringing us together. now that we broke 2 records together, its a whole new chapter. now the road's much tougher, slower so you feel all those little bumps on the road. and more sharp turns. more traffic lights...and perhaps more rain than the sunshine that we loved. i hate to feel this way but at this point of being pessismistic, i could only be a little positive in saying these... a little more rain perhaps. any fool could see it just gets tougher..

love is so much more than those romantic moments...

im feeling good. memoirs of geisha here i come :D

recovery from insomnia

the show-lenka
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
dum de dum
dudum de dum
Just enjoy the show
dum de dum
dudum de dum
Just enjoy the show
I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show
I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

the past few nights have been a torture, i tossed and turned on the bed, unable to fall asleep
and then when i finally fall aslep, the nightmares begin...
then around 4 hours or so, i'll be awake and unable to sleep again
i know i shouldnt have been thinking about all the formulas or random stuff before i sleep
maybe insomnia is the result of having your subconscious mind wondering bout stupid stuff
whats worse, i wake up in the middle of the night and get haunted by the images of the nightmare.
dreams aint true but those nightmares that i had, made me think otherwise, it seems almost possible...
i shoulnt have filled you in with the details of my dream, its disturbing and disappointing
not like its real yet my subconscious mind still showed suspiscion in the form of my dreams,
how can i persuade my subconscious mind to shun off all these rubbish.
its stupid, lets just hope i got a good night sleep tonight
last night was a minor one, and gladly i was haunted by it, so managed to catch a few more hours of sleep than the previous two days...

jasmine shall survive the whole june holidays mugging her ass away
follow the bloody hectic schedule or aim to finish faster...
she can do it! :D

bitter heart

<---- took at changi beach :D

she went nuts, started mutilating herself. scratched here and there till scars were formed, slapped herself hard then cursed and swore at him. it was insane. she was crazy.it became a struggle... she just wanted to cry...just wanted to die... she said please end it all...

smart jasmine managed to sync her phone to the com such that A&D now is in her phone :D and she can read it whenever and wherever she lke yippeeee

disguise?

was it necessary, what we did. was it a crave a want or a need. probably its a need that was satisfied too late that it felt different, it felt sinful and wrong? or was it the kick off that was against all odds? instead of pure happiness, there were tinges of fear and unfamiliarities. it felt odd. who's to blame. the devil in me is trying to push all the blame away from myself. then again as i asked myself, is it a crave just because somewhere else felt empty. i can no longer see the meaning of it clearly. is it defined more clearly with all that explicit actions? probably this is my way of trying to compensate those lost times. but then again if im the one at fault why didnt it seem so with all my angst about those rejections. for a moment or two when you said you would stop fighting back, i felt exhilaration... thereafter i was confused i stopped and cried. is it right did i force you to. why did i even initate it? when i continued was it pure intention or in the state of being in the clouds? i dun blame you in anyway. you asked me have you changed? but the question now isnt that its more of have we changed? which then leads to another question is it permanent or temporal? why do i have these insecurities that are totally uncalled for recently. you did it all yet something isnt right. which i cant seem to place a finger on. its my fault, i disappointed you, i guessed ive changed is it the obsession? then who is the cause of the obsession, it might have started even before i know you... how can i yank myself out of this addiction the habit. i dun blame you, not at all and i dun wish to... was ytd a solution to all my insecurities? why do i still feel the void right now? im confused i dun wanna think of anything.i just know that one thing's for sure now i dun wish to lose you. lets just act normally can we?it hurts to see you thinking that you hurt me, hurts to see you hurting yourself, hurts even more to not know the cause of all these fluctuations in my emotions. what went wrong? have things changed? i guess by asking these questions knock things back to square one, the confusion whirl... i have to find a way out of this labyrinth. i will...

this is totally out of randomness it doesnt make sense i know...