our.story

why not just run

2009-12-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

pull this trigger,
its time.
let your heart freeze like water into ice
then you will not feel pain
its pain no more
that minute the footsteps fade away, the soul had drifted off this carcass
so just let yourself die a little longer
if only after this there will be everlasting happiness
that is, if only
but whether i wish to live and breathe again. i dont know anymore
see everything just dont matter now
i am just a dead person
needing somebody to revive it but i just wont allow it
i wish to stop breathing. for once.
i want to stop all this
questioning over and over again, but as usual, i wouldn't get the answer
stab me one more time, i wont feel any pain again...

i should have known better

2009-12-18T22:44:00.002+08:00

寂寞，好了

拼命的奢望
闷坏的胸口
让我想大声的呐喊
我努力不放
你冷淡你让分手
就这样
我连做梦也感觉受伤
一年过了还是一天
计算着慌张
计程车上的音响
我们最爱的情歌
这一刻却重重击破思念的心脏
夜深了我怎么办
寂寞了谁在身旁
心情变得好复杂
想她念她恨她
一个人你害怕吗
细数过漫天星光
说好永远不分开
多假多假多假
让记忆长出翅膀飞翔
心放空了寂寞好了
坚强外表下
我脆弱情人节开始失常
别人庆祝我却很失落
秋天过了
冬天漫长
关于爱感伤
我们天真的勇敢
我们追求的梦想
舍不得也只能收藏旅行的时光
寂寞感冒全都可以好的
爱多甜伤多痛
都释放
没有你心放空了寂寞好了

is this dependence or love?how can i be happy only when we meet? how long can i continue lying to myself that i'll be ok when youre not around and i have nothing to do? is it the growing loneliness that makes it more difficult to be independent? i thought we would be stronger, i should have known better than to leave myself undone like this. i could have occupied myself with so many other things, and yet i allow myself to be trapped within the doors of nothingness. so naive of me to think that finally we can have a break. we'll never have one. i told we would and yet everything else will weigh above me, how true it is. we have to admit to this very fact and yet the way its displayed so explicitly, oh how that hurts. i thought we would stop fighting, i should have known the sweetness in those lips were temporal relief of the pain. now back at reality i find myself feeling ashamed of my emotions once again.... if i were to turn bitter and take my revenge... i dont think i will anyway. i cant bring myself to do so, i cant. he said im too good, i dont know. i really dont know. this piece of shit from myself, i cant even handle. but tell me when can we escape without thinking of what we have to do yet? obviously you cant, not till your project's done, but the enitre hols will be gone by then. dumb ass shit of me to think ytd was liberation for you... naive naive stupid and dumb.. i should have known...

just two sad souls comforting each other

2009-12-15T22:35:00.002+08:00

make a wink, a glance or a stare
we both have things on our minds
the other one
the entire atmosphere, wrapped in sorrow and despair
the silence, an apparent facet of what we really feel deep within
we smiled, but we both know we're not ok
yes today is a bad day
but we'll speak nonetheless, talking of societal pressure and all
i stopped comforting, i need to comfort myself first

a beautiful picture that both of us has painted
that we did a good job
none saw through the facade,
deep within, something's wrong, something's changed
i want to figure that out too
i cant, i dont know how
why i asked myself why
the honeymoon that seemed like yesterday now feels like a fairytale
why is that so
why has everything became so bitter
time never gave us a leeway
so has emotions and tempers
was it the weather getting into us
was it just all because my mind's a blank and with nothing to occupy it with
that emptiness, i feel, i guess its beyond the nothingness
its the sense of lethargy that sets in
asked me to trust you, to wait again
what else can i say?
a nod, a 'yes'...
i dont know how, what else
am i being way too sensitive? too insecure?
but have both of us done our best?
is there even a platform for me to voice my frustrations right now?
everything has been taken so personally, everyone gets ever so sensitive
i guess im giving it up,
giving the venting of my frustrations out up
they said, whats there to be upset about?
yes whats there?
pinpointing at every single event, nothing
theyre all minor
the accumulation, im tired of it already
the pile-up, its way too much
yes we've been through it all,but now, i dont know if i can brace myself for more
im sick and tired of apologies,
but they just keep happening
its disappointing
i guess too err, to commit a mistake, is a very humane thing
but its the frequency, the accumulation
just... everything
too much to bear right now, way too much...
i dont know what i may say
maybe i should just leave myself alone
im too tired to even tear now...
i dont know...

im finally 18

2009-12-11T23:43:00.003+08:00

little kiddy turns 18, said her prince that all the time and effort used was in exchange for her beautiful smile
before extending my thanks, i have to really admit it was a good 3 days of tearing and a hell of an emotional ride
and many of the rush here and there to settle this and that
buti can say i really enjoyed it
lets go to the BEST list

BEST CAKE!(picked and carefully designed by mr melvin low)
BESTIES(my sweet darlings who took the time off to come and celebrate my birthday with me:ahma,manda,hong,patrick,jr,junlong,huat,junwei,eddie,carol,max,isabelle,emmaline,yiyi,yi zang,leonard,leroy,uncle,auntie,wanying,andy,xiaoshen,xiaoshu)
BEST COOK(ah huat who made the best chicken wings)
BEST DRINKING SESSION(first ever in my life, one that made me go gaga but hey i wasnt drunk)
BEST CONSULTING SESSIONS(one to one talks and all the advices)
BEST INVENTIONS(honey prawns and honey chicken wing:D)
last but not least BEST BOYFRIEND(my ultimate birthday planner, the man who did all the shit in gettting my friends, the cake, the chalet, the food, the car, the number one entertainer,best shoulder when i was upset, the man who had to celebrate with me and juggle with his school work and tests,best bolster who made me sleep well when dommy's not around)

this 18, i've learnt, i've cried,i've listened,i've drank,i've played,i've loved,i've adviced,i've had fun.

kept on doing it

2009-12-07T22:41:00.002+08:00

i know its my bad,
my emotions again
those damn things
but frustration is something so inevitable in situations like this
times that i have nothing to occupy my mind, i have to think of stuff
good point to note there that im not supposed to be left alone
good to realise that i do not like to be left in suspense for too long
yes difficult i am
unreasonable i shall be,
i know its all terrible but i just want you to accept my apology
its bad i know
all this shit you have to tolerate
but hey, i tolerated your shit too..
we all have bullshit in us
so tolerate, forgive, understand
coz thats wad i did

they kept on doing it, like we're not meant to be
these signs and signals, im just afraid i'll yield to them soon
i refuse to
i hate to lose, but it seems to be a losing battle already.
can we ever get through all this shit?

geek in the PINK

2009-11-27T22:55:00.003+08:00

i know there are times that we fight over the littlest things ever
but look it aint that bad sometimes
i know there are times that i would sulk
but boy i love you nonetheless
its times like this that we fight and we make up that i cant help but think we're super cute
but its also times like this that we wonder whats wrong whats between us right now
now that time is ticking as it goes, we get stronger yet the fear of separation gets even stronger too
i realised, i really like to just lie down and stare at the ceiling with you
i discovered, i really like visiting commonplaces and feel like growing old with you
im obsessed with that smell i alreadly familiarised with by now
yet each time i take a whiff of it, i go gaga
this is it my boy
i guess this is it
time to really plunge into every single thing now
i wan us to stop just stop quarrelling about the mundane
today as we go all melancholic bout 2012 and stuff,
the more we feel the urge to keep this love going as strong as possible
we said, after the 6 weeks of gruelling wait, we'll conquer everything thats in our way
so let not these things get into the great path we have
i wanna just make this work
i wanna just see myself get old with this you geek in the PINK:D

you looked really hot today:D

boring

2009-11-25T22:58:00.002+08:00

IM BORED SO BORED SO FREAKING BORED
omg...
i shopped for 2 days, my legs are giving way
but rotting in front of the com right now sucks too):
me dun like to wait
me dont like to have nothing to do ):):
arghh shud start mugging tml haah im a bloody mugger

so long since we met this sucks

random thoughts for the start of liberation

2009-11-24T00:36:00.002+08:00

oh gosh i found this video
this is such a bad starting for a post but heck it anyway...
good old days can never be introduced properly
hah see yes my good old days, crazy ctazy and crazy
love yall 4cr, thats 2 years ago, feels like forever gosh im old
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4G2Y7B8Jw
7 minutes just to show how i was pretty much absent in this very courageous community of ours):
but i do miss those days of toilet runways and emo-femo by the lake
oh gosh, feel so old now

anyway i started this 10 days break with the end of the world
such a good film that put me into tears for like 4 times?
so mind-probing, i cant get it off my head now
i wanna i wanna i wanna tell evryone to watch it seriously
even if the producers are earning hell lot of money out of this, they deserve it,
and you all deserve to watch the show
im serious
go book ticks for the next slot NOW

shall really start blogging soon, or consider journalling since i do more of writing then typing recently:X
lalal so excited for shopping tml:D:D

sometimes, just sometimes

2009-11-22T23:11:00.002+08:00

its just sometimes that i feel drained from worrying and waiting
sometimes...just sometimes
sometimes, too, i feel hurt by reasons,
those good-old facts we all know
times that i wish to be wilful, i hate the facts
thats the whole point, when youre wilful you tend to shun out reasons(even though you know it)
its the reasons that hurt me
not anything else
yes everything falls nicely, this to this that with that
the red balls to the red box and everything
time for fun time for study
not for me i guess
time for fun=time to study
there's time for them to complement each other
i guess thats always the case for you
theres buddies time, girlfriend time, work time and study time
its times that youre focussed with your stuff, girlfriend becomes an obstruction
and when girlfriend wanna be wilful for just a teeny winny bit, she gets hurt
boys, learn to pamper your girls,
learn to give in to her just sometimes when she's wilful
sometimes ,just sometimes
no more than sometimes
no less than sometimes
thats the key to happiness
you asked why aint i happy sometimes
why we would pick a fight out of the nitty gritties
this is why
wilful people do not take reasons
even whn they know they're being unreasonable
thats the whole point isnt it?
thats the whole reason why its named as wilful isnt it
not that you aint good enough
reasons, i love them
the way you carry them through,
they're ok, im happy with them
not when im wilful though
times that i wanna be wilful, i'll sulk
thn the sulky face brings all the reasons, making me sulk and cry even more
how am i supposed to get it into your head im being wilful BUT i do know the reasons
but hey, its just sometimes, sometimes
little girl learns to give in but she needs to get pampered
sometimes just sometimes...

and the knight came running home

2009-10-13T22:39:00.002+08:00

finally, the knight came home
the horses halt to a stop
all else didnt matter at all, time stopped
only our hearts beating right now
a big fat warm hug is all she needs and is what she always dreamt of
the long wait the repeated playbacks of how this day would be
none is the same, none could compare
it aint exactly dramatic yet in its simplicity just tells how much love and care is still present through the tough days
she realises, when youre happy, everything else is pretty and beautiful
the little kid who's eating the biscuit is cute beyong imagination but just because she'e especially today
she wasnt one of those in front of the arriving gates stretching her neck reaf far to really see
she didnt wear those uber high stilts to get above of others just to see clearly
she needn't
just having to stand amidst the crowd, feeling the dynamics of her heartbeat
slowly retracking in her head
repeatedly saying, in a few more minutes i'll see him
this went on for about 40 minutes or so
the anxiety the fantasizing of the various scenes had made her cheeks flush chilli red
she could not follow the rhythm of her heart beat no more
she's focussed on the words that he's back he's back instead
nothing else matter when he came through the gates with those eager eyes
when she spotted him, she cared nothing else
just dashing through the people and straight into his arms
the warmth so foreign yet deep down she knows she's familiar with it
the way her hands were around his waist felt almost awkward but she knows this is only natural
or rather she tried to feel natural about it
that voice, the one that assured her every night suddenly seemed even more distant
it took her 10 whole minutes to find back the feeling again
10 whole minutes to come into realisation that he's really home
the sight of him, she heaved a sigh of relief, that ton of weight upon her shoulders are all gone
all she has to do now is just to stare at him
that few hours after the flight is never enough, it makes the longing worse.
happiness is an underestimation of her feelings right now.
she just wants time and more time with her knight who came home last night
nothing else
now onwards to the fairytale night:D

all these people

2009-10-10T00:14:00.004+08:00

VIVA LA VICTORIA...
goodbye vjc, goodbye igloo,goodbye ctc, goodbye vjco...
i made the step out of the gates today.
no more a vjc student.
just one waiting for the BIG As
2 years ago, i made my first step in
today i say to myself, no regrets
just happiness and joy
it was how it all begun
from one who never thought of being a student here to being someone who loves school so much now
and now, here comes goodbye
but doesnt matter, im happy i glad i came out of being the little girl by the corner to one who speaks loud in front of the class
S38, thank you so much for the lovely moments: slv, ymca citi-proms, cny, all the banner painting, mass dances....etc
so many so many amazing memories
this's just it you see, the happy beginning and ending of my 2 years in vjc
you were the ones who walked me through it
though there were times i regret for not making the whole class really bonded as a whole
but there aint going back now.
there's only the appreciation of the way things are right now
as i say goodbye, i wish to say remember me not the weird girl who screams and is absolutely insane but certainly the girl who came out of her comfort zone and attempted to bond the class as a whole
as i said its not easy at all leading as a friend but you guys really made it much much easier
to glen, i forgot to mention, thanks for being such a great help, though we used to have disagreements and everything youre still my good good assistant:D:D

acire,aloy,collin, thanks for being there, else i could have just collapsed.
thanks for clearing all my thoughts again, most certainly you guys had put that smile back onto my face again
when everything was blurred by my tears, you guys were my eyes, just showing me the way
thanks so much for being there.
i know i was being unreasonable and wilful but nonetheless you guys understood my position and said its all ok...
so with many thanks to yall, im strong again!:D
steelwoman is back up for existence in 3 more days...

i dont wish to know

2009-09-29T22:43:00.002+08:00

it is about time you get home now, 13 more days
after tonight 12 more
then goodbye to those sleepless nights
then hello to sweet mornings and lovely messages
goodbye to bad bad internet
bye to expensive expensive topup cards
finally!

what if i said i was immune to it all right now or something?

an empty shell

2009-09-26T21:44:00.004+08:00

the veronicas- this love

like an abandoned kid, i wandered alone on the streets
there was a place i was heading
but my heart was left somewhere i dont know where
just an empty shell walking around over there
like a ball thrown in the storeroom, im left to dust and dust only
then slowly all else became the black and white movies
just going real slow, aimless and goalless, i made my way to my destination
where goes my mood in the morning i dunno...
where goes all the laughter watching the movie, i dont know
ever since walking... then its all gone
i dont know where goes the soul
just an empty shell trying to come face to face with her feelings right now
shes running away even from herself. let her be
there will be a day she come to terms with herself.. there will definitely be

the life of a psycho

2009-09-20T12:25:00.004+08:00

the morning routine(ok its early noon to be honest):

wake up brush teeth and ya you know pee and all that
prepare breakfast and sit in front of the com
start typing an email and eat breakfast
slack a little while more, doing lame quizzes on facebook
blog about stupid and random stuff just coz i dun wanna study
say i'll study
and say ok lets shit first
have a damn good time reading magazine while "filtering"
and really go study

ok these 9 things sound pretty normal, but to describe the explicit details, i think thats being psychotic:D

morning songs:

jamie scott and the town- when will i see your face again
james morrison-you make it real
veronicas-everything im not

IM SO GONNA WATCH CHUCK AND SARAH MOMENTS:D so sweet!

this is the period

2009-09-15T19:29:00.002+08:00

exam period=geek specs, the exam hair period

people comb up their fringe, bun up theri hair, dig out their specs to wear so to tell others IM READY FOR IT

thn they get hell stressed up too, start staying up all night to study, pop a few more snacks and tidbits into the mouth

so that explains the few more pounds round our waists, the few more pimples on our faces

and why we're so CRAZY right now

its just the exam man....

its not that easy

2009-09-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

its not that easy anymore, just merely contacting you
got to do so much more
type in more numbers on the cell lets see
37 keys just to make a call
hmm then how bout, calling at the right time else be transferred into the mailbox
thn nudging a million times on msn
doing yoohooos on skype
you there in endless mails
its not that easy to contact through the cyberspace after all
unlike the past, a few rings and youre through
a few words and pring you appeared in front of me
now it takes THE RIGHT MOMENT to see you on skype
and about 5 weeks later to see you
it aint that easy anymore
so it aint the same anymore too
trying to hug through the webcam gosh wad are we doing
trying to talk but the system lagging and all sorts like that
wanted to message and call, but considering the money... well forget it
just blank stares out of the window now
leading me to our past
and well yup nothing more
just looking at our messages, thinking how sweet
but that will have to wait
just nights where i need so much tossing an turning to fall into sleep now
just the morning emails with breakfast
ah i like that part
just bad weird and random dreams showing my insecurity deep inside now
thats the worst
and basically MUGGING
just talking to myself and psyching myself to study now
thats what i need to pull through the day
just a chat and life is back to square one
all alone
just doing it all to make myself smile a bit
but its never the same anymore
life's different now
will it change back to the original when youre back
will it be the same 4 weeks from now
i dont know, i darent think
just taking a step at a time
trying to cry less,
trying to study a little more each day
and waiting so much longer just for an hour of chat
yup, i guess life's been this way for about 2 weeks now
im still hanging on
good thing!

successful

2009-09-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

youre successful, you managed to make me link every single thing around me to youso each time i see something i think of youits bad, that day you flew away, you took the happy jasmine with youleaving an empty shell with her brain hereto deal with her prelimsbut youre kind enough to return the happiness to me whenever we chat.youre successful in leaving this damn vivid impression on me, now i cant forget the things we didnow i go to bed thinking bout our past, falling asleep only after readin ouy past messages and looking at out photosby trying to be special you succeeded in making me so alone nowmy mind always drifting to you...i hope going back to school helps...at least i have friends, to get me through this rough patchbut i dont blame youbecause im still happy, with you.happily waiting till the moment we chat happily waiting till the moment you come home to me.its toughbut i think i'll surviveyou must too,my cute little boy(with specs;D)we'll make it throughyoure rightfor the future this investment is worthwhilei shall wait for the interests to flow in:D

sick of these words

2009-09-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

whats the point of getting so damn frustrated now
whats the use of thinking that im so useless right now
you are over there, sick and weak
nothing i can do
not like i can buy a ticket and fly over to take care of you
not like i can send some medicine over
i could only nag and nag
saying the typical few words to want you to take care of youself
end up all those words fell on deaf ears
you still end up sick
blame the weather
blame your irregular meal times
blame your late nights
but those late nights are because of me too
so blame me?
yeah i guess so.
it has been only a week and youre already sick
how not to worry
how not to think if you would take care of yourself
how to trust that you will get better
youve been like this little boy who knows not how to take care of youself
now away from your mama, you keeping falling down
crying for mama, but mama's too far away...
the frustration blew up a million times given that anticipation accumulated through the day to just laugh
i was happy, at the start, laughing bout some nonsense
thinking im happy like this, booming music and laughing with you even though we're miles apart
saying yeah this is my present for studying so hard
end up, you became ill, told me bout your horrendous meal time
wanting so much to be this happy little girl, being strong and positive and all
but failed
end up with frowns
i didnt mean to start a war
i didnt want us to feel so upset with each other
i didnt want to be treated like some angsty and unreasonable girlfriend
i didnt want to be left alone here, thinking whats wrong
i didnt want to feel so helpless not being able to make you recover faster
i didnt want to come home and see you sick
i guess i didnt mean to be cold and harsh
i didnt want to be this frustrated....
i didnt want you to be sick.
i didnt want your voice to be so hoarse, make you feel so uncomfortable
i didnt. i didnt...
but i did.
i did.
as much as i didnt want to, i did.
its bad i know but i did
i have to say this im sorry that i did.
im sorry...

make it go away

2009-09-08T19:05:00.000+08:00

permanent-david cook

make it go, make them stop talking about it
bloody gossipers, chatterboxes
you see and you spread
youre just jealous arent you.
forgive me, we are kids
i hope this doesnt erase the acheivements i did last week when you were busy with stuff
true, school and family have not taught me to behave this way
but i hope it is erased soon,
coz actions like this are from little kids like us, who tend to be overly passionate
pda, its wrong, i see now
its uncomfortable to your eyes, but why must you tell everyone
and worse of all, exaggerate the details...
it aint that bad.
i hope you can trust me

says who the worse is over, guess its just the beginning of another peak of sadness
im sorry i've let you down
but sorry is the only word that comes to my mind now
im both guilty and angry at the same time
that bloody aunty should just shut her hole up
gone is the beautiful image i managed to uphold.
what do you gain telling mummy that,
does it make you happy seeing me cry because of my action
the guilt im feeling right now?
grrr... one fine day you'll know being nosey brings no fun into people's lives....

maybe its good that im facing the consequences alone right now.

burst of joy

2009-09-07T21:32:00.000+08:00

without you, the view looked totally different.
gazing at that open space reminds me of that balcony we spent time in
walking alone down the streets makes me miss the times we hold our hands and played around
then the train ride brought me all the way back to the times we spent on this train...
when we were friends, when we travelled as and when we missed the feeling.
then you made that foolish call, brightening my day
it was something special like once again you appeared out of nowhere
just like that meeting across the bridge.
unexpected and yet so amazing
its a special feeling like a burst out of nowhere...
i dont know how to describe it, its just sweet bubbles and lollipops
sizzling with much excitement.
and the other people, the other commuters, i cant be bothered much more bout their thoughts of that weird little girl laughing to herself over there...
5 more weeks, we will make it.

the unrelated past

2009-09-07T00:30:00.003+08:00

the screen views of the past spells foolishness, blindness
me being naive
now that the past was superimposed onto the present, its unbelievable
the blondes gone wild.
crazy they are right now
history shall remain at past tense
beautiful memories you have carved
but now we've all moved on
the 3 of us
love you'll find,
still some traces of you over there, bits and pieces,
nonetheless the you i've known
but very much different now
we've moved on
im glad we did,
grown up out of the dumb and meaningless status we had
this is what they say, not meant to be
glad it is this way
we have moved on, no point looking back
no point updating
it shall be old news. old days.
one part of my life where i dont wish to revisit
still i would like to say thank you, for the beautiful memories
and mistakes i ought not to make now.
you should learn too,out of this mess we got ourselves into
i hope you realise we were foolish beings,
its love no more a million years ago.
i do miss my past,
something i will look back just to laugh at.
just like my baby photos, something to laugh
but certainly not remember.
alot of my past came back recently, now that im trying to live through present to strive for my future.

i brought this upon myself
i shouldnt spen those spare time looking back at my past
now im stuck with melancholy again
i was so happy just now
now im just affected distracted and insane
crazy ass fool
hai, serves me right

but in tomorrow, there is no more yesterday.
i have only you to think of each day now boy...

here without you

2009-09-05T00:40:00.003+08:00

hopefully after tonight, all the worst things are gone
that i wont be lonely anymore
its day 2 without mummy at home
and day 1 that daddy is not here too
everything comes into my hands
the house, the shop and my brother
the mess at the wake today, both heartwrenching and totally uncalled for
one big sister who refuse to be responsible for things, cause disruption in the family
now the niece and nephews care so much more
it aint that good to have such a big family after all
now that im all alone in front of the computer i cant help but feel the pressure of being a growing adult
maybe it'll be much easier with my sis around
much better if baby was by my side too
but i guess since they are both not around, i have to face all this alone
much that i hate it, i have to face it
there aint space for me to put up a fight or say anything to stop all these from happening
i could only cry, be weak for a moment
and then face everything
guess as much as i wish to prove my parents wrong that im not sotong, my mind aint prepared for the world
maybe after this incident, i gain more trust
lemme do a good job
i think i can
how difficult can it be?
guess when im weak, i just have to tear a bit, try all ways to get to my boy, a 15 minutes of bombarding my emotions
thn hurry hanging up, coming to the blog,
venting out all the emotions
trying to fall asleep
telling myself i have to be awake early tml
now that im busy with this family thing
what about studies, where goes prelims
you asked me if i blamed you for leaving at this moment
my initial answer was yes
it would really have been so much better with you to overcome this with me
maybe if you havent left, i would not be this week at this point of time
but come to think of it, its not as if we knew all these things would happen after youre gone
it wasnt as if we knew it all
we were just naive little beings thinking if all the world could do it why cant us
we were just being innocent kids trying out this new game called LDR
so now the game begins, things came crashing down
we dont even know the rules at all
we just went off killing ourselves renewing our lives and start bombing
it keeps hanging on me, but i keep restarting,
building up armour.
i blamed you, i wanted to get another person in place of you for a moment
venting out my anger and frustrations on him
since you werent there anyway
but it was only a brief second of that thought
i dun blame you anymore
you are still there, worried and blaming yourself
so if i were to do what i thought, i would be crazy
unfaithful in a sense and i would regret for the rest of my life
im sorry i had that thought
even for a brief second, i think im guilty for it
you can blame me
but trust me, im not gonna let your history repeat
and even if i were to call up a million guys to tell them of my problem and wishing they will reassure me
it cant beat that 15 minutes of call that we had
it would be so much less than the reassurance that you always give to me
cant you see, there aint space in this little heart of mine for others anymore
just you,
even when youre gone, the empty seat is still reserved for you
just like you promised you would come back for me
i promised i will wait for you
and for this entire period of waiting, i aint gonna let any man enter my life
no butt's gonna sit on your seat.
im just gonna face it all alone
hope you can sleep well tonight
im sorry if i sounded like i blamed you
im sorry if i made you worry or had you blaming yourself for leaving at this period of time
if i could i wouldnt talk to you
make it seem to you that everything's fine over here,
if only i could pretend from day one
but i didnt
im still holding onto our firm belief
the thing that keeps our love burning
perfect honesty
no lies, no hiding
so no lies no hiding, i told you how i felt at that moment of weakness, hope you dont get affected by this
and yea i guess im all fine now
i wont find another man
because no one could ever replace you over here...
so much so that i wish you are here right now
i wish you would enjoy yourself there
make my sacrifice worthwhile
smile my boy
smile through the mile....

step out.scream loud

2009-09-04T13:08:00.000+08:00

teddy geiger-these wallsi guess now's the time to really grow up, step out and be strongtime to stop worrying so much about the uncertain and just strive hard for whats ahead of meyoure rightif our love is so strong, nothing's gonna stop us now, we're not gonna get separatedso right now, even if youre out of reach, i'll stand on my own feeti'll overcome the sad memories of the past,have full trust in you that we'll overcome it allstepping outside these walls and see the world in a different lightas you go and discover a different placei will stay here and discover a different side of mewhen youre back, i'll be changedwhere i see things differentlycoming out stronger than i really amguess its in me all along, a potential in everyonewhether you have the might and opportunity to discover it, to fulfil it comes right under your decisioni made my choicethis 6 weeks its being strong and independentno more tears from now oni've let myself be weak for 3 days nowfor the rest of the days, no more tearsno more hidingbe strong, i'll say this to myself every morning when i wake up nowguess its not that difficult to be a big girl nowguess when i face up to my responsibilities, its not that difficult to be alonewe cant stick with each other for lifetime comes for us to do our own thingsand time is nowfor me to let go of some thingsnot worry so much, having trust and love to sustain usconcentrating on my studies, family and friendsthen when prelims end, slowly await your return and get back at the books to chiong for the BIG Asit took me awhile to come to this realisationbut im glad i did, better late than never and come to think of it, its not so late as yeti still have a long way to gostill have so much personal time and space to learn by my owndaddy's right,its not the entire 98 pages of notes or whatsoeverbut the main gist of itthats similar to life toonot the full lifetimebut these milestones where i learnt bout life's biggest lessons that will define my growing upi guess i know whats trustwhats lovewhats understandingits not the actions that you do when each other is aroundbut the apprehension and independence when you are all aloneyou'll feel real love when everything is gone, but you know youre lovedyou'll truly understand when you stop crying about why are things happening this way and not the otheryou'll learn to trust and believe more easilya single message can brighten your dayyou'll learn to be like how he did, allowing full freedom to do the things you likelet him do it.so you yourself can do your own thingsits not that independence will draw distanceis that it'll promote understanding and draw you closer towards each other when you wish to be dependenti shoudl stop worrying bout distance between uscoz after alli feel us getting closer.feeling the same painfeeling the same misery...we're on the same line.we are still us...guess this is the real time to learn!

tough and strong

2009-09-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

has been 2 days since you entered the departure gates...
the day you left, my world came crashing down,
you took the happy side of me away with you
and another bad news came
now i face more responsibilities than just taking care of myself and chionging for prelims
this week's gonna be busy busy
the more busy i am, the lonelier i feel
like its up to me and myself to take care of many things
its just different with you being there and not around me
its no longer easy to get to you as and when i like
i guess i depended too much on you since we got together
or even way back when we were friends and we would text each other everyday
come to think of it i have been messaging you every single day since 010108
except days that i was overseas
gosh, no wonder i feel weird not messaging you now
i guess this trip has made me less dependent on you somehow, so far i guess
and yea more easily contented, when you messaged me this morning i was really taken aback,
i didnt even think i would be messaging you again for this 6 weeks
thought it would just be 6 weeks of waiting for the skyping at night
ah wells, so the message made me a happy little girl
i guess im just so used to having you around that now a part of me is just numb
my hands no longer have yours to hold
i talk much lesser now
i text lesser
i cried more
my mind drift away to you even more...
guess things will get better
it is already turning better
i think soon i'll be able to get through it

PTBF! wanna take this chance to thank you for being there the entire of tuesday
to see me cry like some freakshow
and we ran in the rain with newspapers as umbrellas that afternoon
hugging me the minute you saw me at the skytrain terminal
calling me to check if i was alright
keep comforting me to tell me that everything was ok
and made me realise yes i shouldnt have those pessimistic thought
prove to me i was right not making that selfish decision which was growing at the back of my mind
like i said, i could have just collapsed without you
i could have crumbled to the ground
cried till i flood myself
really, PTBF youre still the best tablemate in the whole wide world!
love ya patrick
study hard for prelims!:D MUACK!

awake

2009-08-31T01:59:00.002+08:00

its 2am in the morning
2 hours into the brand new day
im not asleep yet
whats keeping me awake is the medical terms,
resuscitation, internal haemorrage, pancreatic cancer, jaundice
had to google them to rest my mind, now that i know bout them, true i feel better
yet worse at the same time,
its getting worse is it?
tell me no,
tell me its just tonight.
its not entirely good to be enjoying ice cream and receive a call from your bro spelling all the bad news.
its not entirely good to be unable to sleep well at night due to several reasons
it aint good to feel that time is slipping away slowly from your fingers
first, a month,
weeks
then days
then stopped counting
then days with one hand
then now hours
28 more hours.
that hand will slip off
the warmth will wear off
the sight will soon be blurred by tears
the craving will begin
gets stronger each day
the mind gets weaker
the craving strikes heavier every hour now
the hand turns colder.
the hug that is desired is days and weeks away...
hold on tight jasmine, for this 28 hours
bin, i really dont want you to leave....