here without you

hopefully after tonight, all the worst things are gone
that i wont be lonely anymore
its day 2 without mummy at home
and day 1 that daddy is not here too
everything comes into my hands
the house, the shop and my brother
the mess at the wake today, both heartwrenching and totally uncalled for
one big sister who refuse to be responsible for things, cause disruption in the family
now the niece and nephews care so much more
it aint that good to have such a big family after all
now that im all alone in front of the computer i cant help but feel the pressure of being a growing adult
maybe it'll be much easier with my sis around
much better if baby was by my side too
but i guess since they are both not around, i have to face all this alone
much that i hate it, i have to face it
there aint space for me to put up a fight or say anything to stop all these from happening
i could only cry, be weak for a moment
and then face everything
guess as much as i wish to prove my parents wrong that im not sotong, my mind aint prepared for the world
maybe after this incident, i gain more trust
lemme do a good job
i think i can
how difficult can it be?
guess when im weak, i just have to tear a bit, try all ways to get to my boy, a 15 minutes of bombarding my emotions
thn hurry hanging up, coming to the blog,
venting out all the emotions
trying to fall asleep
telling myself i have to be awake early tml
now that im busy with this family thing
what about studies, where goes prelims
you asked me if i blamed you for leaving at this moment
my initial answer was yes
it would really have been so much better with you to overcome this with me
maybe if you havent left, i would not be this week at this point of time
but come to think of it, its not as if we knew all these things would happen after youre gone
it wasnt as if we knew it all
we were just naive little beings thinking if all the world could do it why cant us
we were just being innocent kids trying out this new game called LDR
so now the game begins, things came crashing down
we dont even know the rules at all
we just went off killing ourselves renewing our lives and start bombing
it keeps hanging on me, but i keep restarting,
building up armour.
i blamed you, i wanted to get another person in place of you for a moment
venting out my anger and frustrations on him
since you werent there anyway
but it was only a brief second of that thought
i dun blame you anymore
you are still there, worried and blaming yourself
so if i were to do what i thought, i would be crazy
unfaithful in a sense and i would regret for the rest of my life
im sorry i had that thought
even for a brief second, i think im guilty for it
you can blame me
but trust me, im not gonna let your history repeat
and even if i were to call up a million guys to tell them of my problem and wishing they will reassure me
it cant beat that 15 minutes of call that we had
it would be so much less than the reassurance that you always give to me
cant you see, there aint space in this little heart of mine for others anymore
just you,
even when youre gone, the empty seat is still reserved for you
just like you promised you would come back for me
i promised i will wait for you
and for this entire period of waiting, i aint gonna let any man enter my life
no butt's gonna sit on your seat.
im just gonna face it all alone
hope you can sleep well tonight
im sorry if i sounded like i blamed you
im sorry if i made you worry or had you blaming yourself for leaving at this period of time
if i could i wouldnt talk to you
make it seem to you that everything's fine over here,
if only i could pretend from day one
but i didnt
im still holding onto our firm belief
the thing that keeps our love burning
perfect honesty
no lies, no hiding
so no lies no hiding, i told you how i felt at that moment of weakness, hope you dont get affected by this
and yea i guess im all fine now
i wont find another man
because no one could ever replace you over here...
so much so that i wish you are here right now
i wish you would enjoy yourself there
make my sacrifice worthwhile
smile my boy
smile through the mile....