numb

one could just numb oneself by faking a smile,
getting a brain freeze
getting a hot bath
think about alcohol
speed down the streets
run
study
think about food
think about nothing
lie on the bed
think about death
be pessimistic
stare into the blank space
trying to convince oneself that it aint that bad
attempt to watch tv
tell someone its ok
talk to the toy
look at the window
think that youre ok somemore
stop thinking
when you feel like youre really tired yet when you plop unto the bed and youre unable to sleep
that is when you are really numb...

take joy in just reading a book
smile at it as if theres really a joke in the book
plug into some hardrock music and shake your head in the middle of orchard road
scream out of your window just to say hello to your neighbour
try to walk the dog when youre naked
pick up the phone and call all of your friends just to say hello
go to the mall buy a sweet and give it to a little girl
others may say that youre weird,mad
crazy and out of your mind
send you to asylum or something
but in true fact youre being normal in a weird world
whereby everyone else is way to busy to appreciate the simplicity of life
how good will life be if theres no judging of the way you speak, dress or even the way you tie your hair
be simple. enjoy life

i just realise i could go on all day like this pretending like its nothing at all, i was supposed to be venting out all my angst and what not here and yet now as i go on typing, i dont know what to vent out anymore. you apologised, i forgived you. it should be a happy ending now. yet i still cant get to sleep. i feel numb. i numbed myself thinking now that i got ample private time i should be able to vent it all out... i numbed myself too much. now i cant get to sleep i cant get my mind right. im just feeling disoriented, empty and hurt. its not so much of the words he said. though it pierced right through, and brought back the fear in a brand new face, there was something more prominent than this. its back. time and fatigue. it has been quite sometime since we spent quantity time with each other though we emphasized quality but it just aint the perfect substitute. am i asking too much just for some quantity time, of some quality? i just need a day of pure happiness get me onto the platform of springing forth with much more energy and being able last for a month or so. or am i too much of asking him not to get so tired. i want to feel like a princess for once. feel that im the centre of his earth for just a few hours, nothing else more important. just me and him and nothing. nothing to worry, nothing to do next. what we do is rot rot rot and life would be good. now it seems like its way too much. all of us were too naive for forgo all these underlying issues, things that were the problems all along yet we choose to hide to kick it to the back of our mind or attempt to numb ourselves. im not tired or getting bored of all these its just that times like this made everything flow back.

i feel more alive now. less numb, less hurt.

we all know very well that we cant turn back time or try to relive the moments and make present a replica of the past. unable to do the same things we did again and expect the same kind of feelings, yet we long to live those happy days once more. made known to oneself that memories are still part of reality and not fantasies. we can get so anxious in wanting to find back the original mood that we forgo the new emotions and atmosphere added onto it at the present time. and while we're so crazily finding the chance to relive these moments we tend to forget we're still in the present, forget those distractions and responsibilities or what not. it just aint that simple to relive history. it just aint simple to get what you want.

i dont blame you, im just taking this private time alone to forget the pain. i have forgiven you. it aint your fault. people makes mistakes, people have temper. when it goes out of hand, hurtful words would be uttered. it aint all your fault. there were many conrtibuting factors. and given so, blame nothing no one for no one carries the full responsibilty. it aint the situation of you hitting the floor when you fall, just like what your parents or granny would make you do just to feel better. you do not take revenge on the object or thing that caused your downfall. you just let it be, let your wound heal and stop yourself from doing it again. true enough those words hurt me like never before. it was short simple yet deep. the meaning came right through. the word REGRET just come into my ears and attempted to burst the ear drums. it was like a spear, no resistance no nothing. right through the heart.... it was callous, selfish and full of angst. but i dont blame you for when you said i love you. it came like a wave, a soothing cream and protected the wound, an immediate cooling effect, making me feel better. then the word regret came again. regrets for saying those words and it attempted to ease the pain. im much better now.

i feel even better than before. the power of words...

we both grew and learnt in this journey together. the start was an unforgettable night with so much happenings leading off to a string of events and finally bringing us together. now that we broke 2 records together, its a whole new chapter. now the road's much tougher, slower so you feel all those little bumps on the road. and more sharp turns. more traffic lights...and perhaps more rain than the sunshine that we loved. i hate to feel this way but at this point of being pessismistic, i could only be a little positive in saying these... a little more rain perhaps. any fool could see it just gets tougher..

love is so much more than those romantic moments...

im feeling good. memoirs of geisha here i come :D