disguise?

was it necessary, what we did. was it a crave a want or a need. probably its a need that was satisfied too late that it felt different, it felt sinful and wrong? or was it the kick off that was against all odds? instead of pure happiness, there were tinges of fear and unfamiliarities. it felt odd. who's to blame. the devil in me is trying to push all the blame away from myself. then again as i asked myself, is it a crave just because somewhere else felt empty. i can no longer see the meaning of it clearly. is it defined more clearly with all that explicit actions? probably this is my way of trying to compensate those lost times. but then again if im the one at fault why didnt it seem so with all my angst about those rejections. for a moment or two when you said you would stop fighting back, i felt exhilaration... thereafter i was confused i stopped and cried. is it right did i force you to. why did i even initate it? when i continued was it pure intention or in the state of being in the clouds? i dun blame you in anyway. you asked me have you changed? but the question now isnt that its more of have we changed? which then leads to another question is it permanent or temporal? why do i have these insecurities that are totally uncalled for recently. you did it all yet something isnt right. which i cant seem to place a finger on. its my fault, i disappointed you, i guessed ive changed is it the obsession? then who is the cause of the obsession, it might have started even before i know you... how can i yank myself out of this addiction the habit. i dun blame you, not at all and i dun wish to... was ytd a solution to all my insecurities? why do i still feel the void right now? im confused i dun wanna think of anything.i just know that one thing's for sure now i dun wish to lose you. lets just act normally can we?it hurts to see you thinking that you hurt me, hurts to see you hurting yourself, hurts even more to not know the cause of all these fluctuations in my emotions. what went wrong? have things changed? i guess by asking these questions knock things back to square one, the confusion whirl... i have to find a way out of this labyrinth. i will...

this is totally out of randomness it doesnt make sense i know...